Stay close to yourself as an illustrator and therefore drawing the hard way.

No Illustrator should lose their own fascinations out of sight. That is one of the reasons I am typing this entry right now, I was starting to lose contact with my fascinations and inspirations. You can't always be close to the production side of making illustrations in my opinion.

I have a fulltime job and the time that is left in the day and week I am working on illustrations so in fact I work two jobs. It is hard to combine these two because when you get home from work which is just production and not creative at all you have to get your mind on free mode. And when you are in this mode you have to tame your thoughts again to make sense on paper. And this takes a lot of time and effort.
Lately I had to finish some drawings one for a client. And I got the freedom to draw what I liked but not with those hard weird creatures and dark tortures and death. So I left that part out and focused on the face, pose and composition. A lot of technique is going on at this moment. In the meanwhile I was drawing on a new drawing. (see below) This one was one of the last things I started from a feeling and something close to me. Before this drawing I caught myself on making art for people that expected certain type of things from me. I can do this, of course but I started to lose interest in the thing I loved to do.
So that is the moment you have to stop and take a step back from your work to take a look at what you are doing. What does this work tell about me? Where is the Me element in this drawing? And I discovered that there were less things in my drawings I usually liked to place in there. Just play around with the story and looking for new elements to put in there. This was the point where I discovered where I was going wrong. I didn't spend enough time to feed my mind with stories. I used to love looking for weird things in stories, art, illustration and the scenery.
That is why I was not planning to start a new drawing tonight but find peace and be true to myself.
The fact that I am not a great commercial miracle goes hand in hand with the fact that I don't want to lie. I am a Christian, something a lot of people in the metal scene despite. But I don't want and have to lose that element in my art or my personality. I make drawings the hard way for a small group of people who have a wider view on the world. People who try to read the illustration and think about it and maybe later take a look at it again because they still feel attracted to the story.
So now I am working on myself. I started to read stuff again on http://medievalist.net  listening to composers like Tomas Luis de Victoria and Arvo Part and collect pictures from newspapers again.
Fun fact about what I cut out out the newspaper is that most of those pictures are not related to what I actually draw. But to me they tell a story or they give me an ambience or maybe I just like the lighting or whatever it could be. Maybe in a next entry I will write about that. And no, I am not afraid to tell you this stuff. It's not a secret. I see the world in my own way and I know that is different from all of you.
What am I going to do right now? Well I am going to make my relationship with MY world better and stronger. I never gave a damn about whatever wandered around this world. Discussions about racism, terrorist attacks, sports and victories, and global warming and solutions from mad men in the politics. In my opinion the wise and interesting people are not in the news but in the pub or behind closed doors and not bothering the world with their ideas because nobody would like to listen because the world would think they are crazy.
Anyway I am going to do more research again and be constructive in my visualizations of my reality. I don't understand a lot of things in life but that is an interesting thing to draw.


I think this was a bit of a chaotic rant about how I am going to get back to what I should do but I can give you the conclusion like this:
Nevermind the world, it is all about what YOU make and think. That is what makes you art special and maybe not for the bigger crowds but just those few who do understand you and would like to take the effort to place themselves in your shoes. That kind of art is the art that stays.(I hope)

Kind Regards,

CAVUM

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